The Clique Sporking Chapters 1-2

[b1tchlasagna]

We start off pretty mundanely, where we meet Massie Block/Massive Blockhead in the... 

The Block Estate: The Kitchen

10:49 PM, August 31st

Massie Block, or as I like to call her, Massive Blockhead, gets some bad news from her parents, Kendra and William. Kendra’s making her skip Spa Day with her clique, so she can be there with Kendra and William when they greet Jay, Judi,Claire and Todd Lyons. Jay is William's best friend from college, Judi is his wife, and Claire is their daughter. Their son, Todd has a relatively small part in the book. Massive Blockhead doesn’t want to and she looked to her father, William, for backup, but he just sipped his tea and continued reading the latest copy of Westchester magazine. I like to think that William’s pretending to read, so he won’t have to deal with his daughter. That's so he won't have to look at her and then think to himself "come on, resist the puppy dog eyes, resist the puppy dog eyes."  

A few words on her parents, William is this super rich businessman, and Massie has him wrapped around her fingers. I read on the Clique wiki that William’s this soft pushover of a dad that “falls for [Massie’s] smile and hugs every time.” Kendra is what I call a “zombie white wine mom” who doesn’t know what her daughter gets up to.  William has his job, so I can accept him being away at work all the time, but what’s her excuse? The wiki says “she also doesn't punish Massie enough.” That explains a lot.

Massie complains “they’re Dad’s free-loading friends, not mine” but Kendra says Claire and her are gonna be pretty close, they’re the same age, they’ll be going to the same school, and they’re even gonna be staying at the Blockhead estate, while Jay Lyons looks for a place to rent in Westchester, New York. They’re moving from Orlando, Florida, so Jay can work for William. Kendra suggests they invite Claire to the spa but Massive Blockhead argues they “can’t just call up the spa and add another person at the last minute.” But they can just cut one person out at the last minute? The rules of this spa are very unclear.

Kendra wins the argument and Massive (I’d meant to type Massie but I haven’t slept all night and my hand isn’t doing what my brain wants, I’m still keeping that) Blockhead leaves, while her dog, Bean, a black pug followed. Bean scurried across the floor, trying to keep up without getting too close to Massie’s deadly three-inch mules.

Massie’s wearing three inch heels in the house. Massie’s also in the “seventh grade,” so she’s 12-13. Get used to this, primary school students acting like 20 something year olds. Super high maintenance 20 something year olds.

Massie goes straight to her room, which looks like it’s been decorated by Alice Cullen, everything was white, from the leather chaise by the bay window to the sheepskin rug, the painted brick walls, the dozen fresh tulips, and her flat-screen Mac. Her friends have nicknamed her room, the iPad. 

    

This makes the book seem so, so dated. 

If you’re getting Vietnam flashbacks to Twilight, you can breathe easy because Massie’s having second thoughts about Alice Cullen’s taste in interior design. Massive Blockhead’s new favorite color’s purple because she’d read in a British gossip magazine that purple was the official color of royalty, which explained the brand new mauve Calvin sheets on her bed.

Massie says to Bean that missing Spa day “could stunt my social growth for the rest of the year.” Bean, being a dog, licked Massie’s thin wrist. She loved the taste of Chanel No. 19. Hey, I don’t think that’s good for the dog. Massie gets a serious case of FOMO and keeps talking.

“Everyone will have a fresh batch of inside jokes I won’t even get. I’ll have to smile like a good sport while everyone laughs and says, ‘Oh, you just had to be there.”

Calm down. I get FOMO too, but isn’t this making a mountain out of a molehill?

I understand FOMO all too well, but aren't you exaggerating when you say it'll affect your social life for an entire year? Isn’t the thing with inside jokes is that you can only use them for so long before they get stale? Aren’t they like memes in that regard?

Meanwhile, Massive Blockhead rips up the schedule she had planned, which included spray tans, eyebrow waxing, aromatherapy and getting Bergdorf’s. Then she has a three way phone call with Alicia Riviera, Dylan Marvil and Kristen Gregory. I might as well introduce them now. 



I give you, the Pretty Committee...and Claire. The Pretty Committee or the PC is the reigning clique at their school, they outrank the clique whose name can be abbreviated to CONSOLE, who outranks the clique MOBILE. Just kidding. The PC consists of (right to left): 

Dylan: the redhead, daughter of popular daytime TV host, Merri-Lee Marvil, she's the "fat girl" of the clique and is therefore the butt of all their fat jokes. I put "fat girl" in quotes because the Clique wiki says she's only a size 6. This book is set in New York, if you look up the American sizing standards, that's a small. Because nothing says "best friends" like fatshaming.

Alicia: the pretty one. She's Spanish and the second in command. She has ginormous boobs even though she's in the same year as Massie and Claire and everyone else. She's not an early bloomer, no. They're implants. She looks like a pedophile's dream come true. She desperately wants to overthrow Massie and become the new alpha but she fails every time and the clique takes her back every time. Because plot. It gets old pretty quickly.

Massie: the queen bee, the alpha. She's pretty and popular and rich and she wants to stay on top. Because...because...because...plot. Do we get any reason on why she's obsessed with being the alpha? No. Does she have a past that'd explain why she acts the way she does? No. Does she grow and get some character depth? Yes, but I hear that it's in the last few books, when it's much too late. If you want a book series to star the Alpha Bitch and her friends and you want us to root for them, you need to start the character development, and throw in a sad past for good measure in the very beginning, like in the first book. In the earlier books, and this one, her only thoughts are "popularity, fashion, boys, riding horses, staying on top, shopping, gossiping, boys, new clothes," ad nauseam. So when she's not being nasty, she's boring. Does she at least get some savage, quotable lines? No. Regina George, she is not. She supposedly has an amazing wardrobe that you'd kill for, but this doesn't work because of this is a book, not a TV show. You see, every time the author describes an outfit, I have to look it up on Google Images and even then, I might not find what the author specifically had in mind, unless she gets very, very specific with the descriptions, but if she does that it'd run into necessary, overly long and boring purple prose territory. If this was a TV show, I'd get it in a second, and we'd all be able to move on. What works on screen doesn't work on paper. This is one reason why Alpha Bitches are easier to enjoy onscreen, even if they are absolutely unlikable with no redeeming features. If it's on my TV screen at least I can look at their clothes and makeup and think to myself "oh, that looks good, I wish I dressed like her." In a book, I don't get to do that, that means when you have a shallow, vapid character, I won't be able to enjoy seeing her, even for shallow reasons.  

Kristen: the sporty and competitive one who will do anything to succeed. My first impression of her was that she was a poor man's Spencer Hastings. Literally, her family's "poor." Not poor as in they're struggling to pay bills, "poor" as in they're normal middle class people like you and me, so they're "poor" by Massie's standards. She used to be rich but her father, the art dealer made some bad business decisions and now they're "broke." Her mother is very strict so she has to sneak behind her back. I heard that she doesn't do much in the earlier books. That's a shame, in the hands of a decent author, Kristen would've been a great character. Living a double life, means she's full of secrets; she's just ready to be blackmailed, by Massie, or by some other alpha bitch.  

For some reason, Massive Blockhead lies and tells them she has the flu. Lying to your best friends, even though it’s not something really embarrassing or hard to explain. That's definitely the sign of a healthy friendship; nothing says healthy relationship like needing to lie even for the little things.That's a sign of what's to come. 

The chapter ends and I'm left thinking that aside from maintaining healthy relationships, telling the truth and then venting about it is, something that makes you feel better if you're having a bad day, even if all the Blockhead could think about was herself, venting still seems like the logical thing to do. 

The next day... 

The Block Estate: Top of the Stairs

The Lyons come; they arrived right on time actually. While the parents greeted each other, Massive Blockhead watches them while she stays on the second floor. Her parents were gathered around the Blocks’ daughter, Claire.

Claire? The Blocks' daughter? 
     
We are not off to a good start. It’s only the second chapter of the first book, which I assume wasn’t ghostwritten and we already have a mistake that should’ve been corrected during the editing process. Where was the editor? Did he kill himself in shame after he realized exactly what he was reading?

Anyways, the Blocks are busy complimenting the Lyons’ daughter Claire. Kendra says she looked like “Gwyneth Paltrow.” Jay asks where the Blocks' daughter Massie was, so Massive Blockhead sees that as a cue to get down the stairs but she ducks into the closest bathroom first for one last look at her “first-impression” outfit. She had no intention of becoming friends with Claire but still thought it important to let the girl know what she’d be missing.

Our hero ladies and gentlemen.

Massive Blockhead never even knew about Claire until a chapter ago and she all she’s heard about Claire is that they’re the same age and she’ll be going to the same school. Massive Blockhead has little reason to not like Claire. I get being annoyed at someone for making you miss a get together with your friends and I get FOMO but…

 
…Look Massive Blockhead, at least try to be accommodating okay? At least try to be a good host? I’m not asking for you to become instant best friends, just act politely ok? I'm not even saying that you have to actually like her the second you see her, just act like it, I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

The Massive Blockhead checks the back of her satin cargo pants for panty lines and examined her white Hermés scarf (worn as a belt, of course). Ha ha, how very 2000s of you. From what I've seen on Buzzfeed's listicles on the 2000s, wearing ties, or a scarf in this case, as a belt was a big trend back then.

Her white cashmere top was free of dog hair and her amber eyes looked bright. No one would ever know she had cried herself to sleep the night before.

You know what, Massie? Going by how you act later on in this book, I don’t care.

Kendra calls her to come down over an intercom, and Massive Blockhead does just that. Jay greets her with a hug and Massie looked back at him blankly. You think that’s bad, just check out her reaction to Claire: Massie managed to detect a pair of overalls, white Keds, and straight blond hair with bangs. She looked like one of the cast members on Barney and Friends. I haven't seen a character who's this judgmental in a while. Also, what's exactly wrong with blond bangs? A recurring idea in this book is that Claire's bangs are a bad thing, and to this day I'm still scratching my head pondering why, aside from "because the Massive Blockhead doesn't like it for arbitrary reasons." It gets worse when Claire reaches out for a handshake. Massive Blockhead notices Claire’s arm was covered in a stack of bracelets, obviously homemade. Some were made out of colored beads and others of braided string.

And that in Massie’s world was enough justification for her to act like a complete and utter jerk to Claire, who committed the awful, awful crime of...acting like a kid when she’s a kid.

Kendra enthusiastically says “All right. Well why don’t we all sit down?” While they go to brunch, Massive Blockhead sees her mother’s diamond rings were turned around, which Massie knew meant that the Lyonses didn’t have a lot of money. Kendra always did that when she didn’t want the “less fortunate” to feel uncomfortable. First, the Lyons already know you’re rich, they’ve seen the absolutely huge mansion you live in, there’s no point in hiding it. Second, why are there quotes around less fortunate? What’s that supposed to mean? Like they're not really less fortunate?

Massive Blockhead has to sit next to Claire and why everybody’s eating, she starts texting her friends.

Massie’s FOMO crops up and she could picture everyone in Svetlana’s tiny waxing room standing around Kristen, laughing hysterically and trying to convince her not to walk out with uneven eyebrows.

I’ve just spotted a mini plot hole, why aren’t her friends sending her photos or short video clips? I know this is the 2000s so you might say “that’s because the photo/video quality would’ve been awful,” but these people are filthy rich; I don’t think they’re using flip phones. I doubt image/video quality would’ve been a problem.  

Because Massive Blockhead wanted to be the one to convince her to endure the pain so Svetlana could finish the job, she texts back:

Kendra tells her “no phones at the table” and Massive Blockhead says a fake sorry and then Kendra suggests “why don’t you take Claire upstairs and show her your room?” and the Blockhead does just that.

Those were some bad transitions. There’s nothing about them finishing their food, so I’m wondering did they just leave in the middle of brunch or do we have to just assume they finished first to make sense of it.

I will end it here, I originally wanted to spork 3 or 4 chapters but this ended up being longer than I expected, and I don’t want this to become too long.

See you next time; same bat time, same bat channel.

That was my first sporking. How do you think I did? Was I too easy on Massie at times? Was it a bore to read? Do I need new jokes? What sort of new counters do I need? I'm always open for critiques; I'm always open to hearing that I did something wrong and that I could do better. 

Comments

[leocadia]

The sporking is fine, you did a good job!

[b1tchlasagna]

TY

glad you enjoyed it :)

[ki_no_shirayuki]

Oh, where has this been in my entire life? I was waiting for someone to spork this!

[b1tchlasagna]

Same! I was legitimately surprised that no one at Das Sporking went through this already!

[ki_no_shirayuki]

How about signing up and posting the spork there?

[b1tchlasagna]

I'm trying to, but my application seems to be in limbo. I tried in October of 2019 and I got no replies, no yes or no answer, nothing. Someone else mentioned they applied in August and they haven't heard anything else either.

I'm at the point where I'm thinking about chasing the mods down, except I'm not very confrontational, so that's what's holding me back.

Guess the mods aren't interested in going over sporker applications. :(

[ki_no_shirayuki]

Well, I myself applied in August 2018 and was admitted in March 2019.

[b1tchlasagna]

I see. Well, taking that into perspective, I should be expecting a yes or no this summer...if I'm lucky. :/

(added the last part because anything could happen in between, the mods could decide to a shutdown on new applicants for instance).

[ki_no_shirayuki]

😅